Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men
- ISBN13: 9780814413913
- Condition: NEW
- Notes: Brand New from Publisher. No Remainder Mark.
Product Description
Scared. Shocked. Depressed. These words describe the more than one million women worldwide who are diagnosed with breast cancer every year. But they also apply to the husbands, fathers, sons, brothers, and friends to whom cancer sufferers turn for support. "Stand by Her" is written to help these men be the very best supporters they can be, combining solid practical advice with emotional guidance based both on the author's personal experience and his extensive resear... More >>
Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men
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A friend sent me a copy of this book after he read my review of The Selfish Pig’s Guide to Caring here on Amazon. He knew that I have been the primary caregiver for my wife who has had brain cancer for over 30 years, and he wondered if Stand by Her: A Breast Cancer Guide for Men would be helpful to him — his wife has recently been diagnosed with a stomach cancer.
My answer is maybe, depending on the husband and to a certain extent on the wife — all of us are different and all of us react to the challenges in very different ways. I don’t know much about breast cancer, but my sister went through the entire process described in this book six years ago, and they both thought it range true for them in several ways.
What I do know is that coming to grips with the issues presented to a husband arising from his wife’s cancer can be very difficult to deal with. The Well blog on “The New York Times” website recently reportedfor on a study of 515 patients who received diagnoses of brain tumors or multiple sclerosis from 2001 through 2006. Women in the study who were told they had a serious illness were seven times as likely to become separated or divorced as men with similar health problems. Over all, about 12 percent of the patients in the study ended up separated or divorced, but when the man became ill, only 3 percent experienced the end of a marriage. Among women, about 21 percent ended up separated or divorced.
Readers reaction ran a wide gamut, with a very large number of women and men finding the results “pathetic” and proof that men are “evil” or that “men can’t cope.” As a caregiver for the past thirty and more years, very little of the discussion was very helpful to me; after all 80% of the men stayed with their ill wives. Suggestions on how to increase that percentage would have been much more constructive.
A few posts focused on a suggestion by the authors of the studies; they felt men had more trouble coping with the demands of caregiving because they lacked competence and training to do so. In particular, studies by the Well Spouse organization indicate that “spousal caregivers require a different kind of support than other family caregivers, due to the involvement of intimacy in the relationship. [we] know that studies have found that of all family caregivers, spousal caregivers take the longest to self-identify; and of these, men take longer than women.” The group agrees with the sponsors of the study that more support for spousal caregivers, especially at the time of diagnosis, might reduce the divorce and separation rate.
There are more sources of support now than there were 30 years ago when my wife’s tumor became a part of our lives, but every care giver is well advised to find some sort of approach to (and if possible support in) the new role they choose to accept.
Anderson uses his own experience to help men become supportive care givers while dealing with their own fears and emotions about a loved one with breast cancer. He tries to describe the physical and emotional challenges women face during treatment. He also discusses the strains on marriage and intimacy. Altogether, I believe Anderson has written a very helpful book for any husband facing the challenges standing by a wife with cancer.
At the same time, I hope people will read the one star review here on Amazon written by cindyinthewind . She makes a valid point about remission rates, but makes a very much more important point about how people differ in their approaches to the challenges. She writes:
“Men who are supporting a woman with breast cancer need to remember first that she’s still an individual and an adult, and will remain so. She doesn’t automatically transform into a helpless child who needs comforting from little pink teddy bears. Show her first that you don’t think of her as infantile just because of her disease, and that it’s not her breasts you value as much as you value HER, and you won’t go wrong.”
I’ve tried to follow cindyinthewind’s advice for 30 plus years — as a frail human being with sometimes mixed results. I agree completely that patients are individuals and have very different needs.
Each husband and each wife need to come to their own personal conclusions on how to deal with the challenges. Anderson’s book can be very helpful to a husband trying to be as helpful as he is able to be.
Robert C. Ross 2009
Rating: 5 / 5
Here’s a guy who’s had almost every woman in his life in a breast cancer fight. He decided to do something amazing with that experience, tell the men of the world who have a woman in their life (any woman – a sister, a mother, a wife, a daughter) how to cope and be the best kind of support for their loved one. The first few pages will knock your socks off.
Reading a book on breast cancer almost felt like tempting fate, but I was so intrigued by the idea of a breast cancer book, by a man, for men, that I took the plunge. I’m glad I did. Anderson speaks honestly, sensitively, and informatively to his audience. Any reader picking up this book will learn the in’s and out’s of the breast cancer process: from the history of breast cancer, to diagnosis, surgery, treatment, and survival after treatment. You see, as Anderson informs us, breast cancer does not have to be a death sentence. By the same token, how a man handles the illness, his own feelings, and the care of his loved one can have lasting effects on his relationships.
If you think that this book is a treatise to men on how to be the perfect spouse, think again, Anderson reveals his own story warts and all. The help is in the honesty, research and experience. The brilliance of the book is the author’s ability to lay it out for men in a way only men can understand – down and dirty without the sugar coating. I also loved that in each section of the book, Anderson spells out how a brother, father, and husband can help, instead of simply detailing a husband’s role. This book is a very compelling read and I believe, a precious gift and powerful weapon in the fight against breast cancer. Well done, Mr Anderson!
Rating: 5 / 5
I got the book with a friend in mind to give to her husband. I started reading it and flew through. I found Anderson’s play by play guide very helpful. The world of cancer is like a dark cave to most people. He walks you through in laymans terms and points out what to expect. I feel that I can be a better support to my friend and her family after having read his account.
Rating: 5 / 5
My wife, Brenda, was diagnosed with breast cancer this past year. I felt like I was hit by a truck. There are plenty of great books out there, such as Susan Love’s Breast Book to help the general population understand what is happening. I don’t know of ANY books like this one, which is written from the perspective of a man trying to cope with something we always think happens to someone else – not to me.
I pre-ordered this book as soon as I found out it was available on Amazon. It has been a HUGE help.
John Anderson has dealt with this dreaded disease from every angle you can imagine: from his mother to his sister to his wife. Just knowing there are guys out there like John that have gotten through it and are able to write a book to help others navigate through it is a big help in my opinion. Guys – like me – tend to pull back and go into the cave when these things happen. It was extremely helpful to have access to a book like this and remind myself that there are a lot of guys who’ve worked through it with their loved ones and come out stronger on the other side.
Knowledge is power – If you are struggling to understand what you can DO (very much a guy feeling), I’d recommend educating yourself with books like this one. Find others who’ve been through it and gird yourself for battle. The story of John’s wife Sharon is amazing proof of how far we’ve come to beating this thing.
Rating: 5 / 5
As a woman who has had breast cancer, I have glanced through this book to see what kind of advice it offers men for helping women through it. One thing that really stuck out to me is that the author is apparently under the misimpression that if a woman goes five years without a recurrence of breast cancer, she is “officially cured” and it’s time to celebrate. This is a really dangerous belief to perpetuate, and may devastate women who have recurrences after they thought they were “out of the woods.” The sad fact is that there is no such thing as a breast cancer “cure,” and that unlike many other cancers for which five years is the “all clear” point, there is never such a point for breast cancer. It can recur at any time, but based on the particular type, it may be more or less likely to recur. This book shouldn’t be spreading the myth of “five years out and you’re cured”; it’s very irresponsible.
Less importantly but still significant, there’s also no acknowledgment in this book that women with breast cancer each feel differently about the “pinkapalooza” that is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Men should see how the woman in their lives feels about it before bombarding her with pink-ribbon junk, because some of us just HATE it–the pink products, the tchotchkes, the charity races, the whole thing. In fact, for some of us, just getting through the month of October, faced with reminders of our ordeal at every turn, is painful.
Men who are supporting a woman with breast cancer need to remember first that she’s still an individual and an adult, and will remain so. She doesn’t automatically transform into a helpless child who needs comforting from little pink teddy bears. Show her first that you don’t think of her as infantile just because of her disease, and that it’s not her breasts you value as much as you value HER, and you won’t go wrong.
Rating: 1 / 5